I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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