I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize