Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I deserve this hangover.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
