and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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