How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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