remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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