I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just threw up on my dentist
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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