i just wanna soil my oats bro
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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