May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
