So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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