apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
