my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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