There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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