filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize