a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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