i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize