Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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