were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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