About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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