I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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