I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
