It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
