I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
