Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
