There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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