I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
