Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize