Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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