two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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