I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
