Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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