she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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