I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
