I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
