Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize