Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
