between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
