He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize