I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
They took my balls.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You are a genius and a whore.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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