My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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