How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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