UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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