ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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