The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
