I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
