It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
