I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
