So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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