Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
