I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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