I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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