some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
