You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
