I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize