I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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