My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
