just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
