Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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