Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
