My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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