A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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