my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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