Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
