I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
