Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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