If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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