Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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