dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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