I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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