Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
