You kept calling me your small dog last night.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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