i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
