he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
