Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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