I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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